No Sex - No Thanks!
My partner was away on business for seven weeks. I was home. It was that simple. Or was it?
What should have been a relaxing time spent on my own - working, reading, watching the odd movie - was suddenly an ordeal. I was restless, anxious, apt to start yelling at anyone if they even looked at me sideways, ready to jump someone if they even said hello.
Hold on.
Jump someone. Hmmmmm...
Like an excited hamster on a treadmill, my mind played around with this concept and all the images that arose with it, and suddenly I had an insight into what was up with my head. I had an epiphany; I experienced that single moment of crystal clear clarity that sometimes comes at the climax of...but there's no need to get ahead of myself.
What I had figured out was that it was my lack of, shall we say, physical contact of the prolonged and interesting variety - possibly involving chocolate and the chessboard - with my partner that had driven me to drink. Now it wasn't that the drink wasn't tasty - it was - but, not to mince words, there's a certain sort of satisfaction that can only come from beating about the bush. And I'm not talking gardening.
Tick tock. The clock on the wall informed me that it was coming up on 10:15pm and that it was also Wednesday, which is known in some parts as Hump Day. With that bit of fascinating information I was able to work out that my partner had been gone for exactly six days. I forced myself to concentrate a little harder as, after all, 10:15pm is 10:15pm and there had been all that lonely red wine, and, with a gargantuan effort, determined that I would be alone for 36 more days.
36 days. That was longer than the time it had taken to make the whole world. What to do? What to do? One deeply buried portion of my brain told me that it was time to meet the neighbour’s attractive new friend, but the frontal lobes soon knocked that idea out of it. Sigh. Frontal lobes. Maybe if...? NO. Damn.
So I dug in, barricaded myself behind a mound of files at work and a pile of books at home, played with myself - online mahjong is a brilliant way to pass the time - and slowly worked my way through the most frustrating 36 days of my life.
It was with great enthusiasm that I counted down the days to my partner's return (great enthusiasm and most of the Bordeaux that we had been keeping for Christmas) and, although there were a few touch and go moments with the neighbour’s friend when I wanted to touch but told myself to go, I did survive .
Needless to say, we had an extremely good night the day my partner returned. We played chess - king takes queen and all that - and did a few other things.
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